Some weeks after the cutoff for New Year’s resolutions, I came up with one that I actually wanted to follow through on. I don’t usually do those sorts of things, but it was close enough to January 1st that I thought making it a resolution instead of just a thing I want to do would help give it a little extra oomph. Not that it really needs it, but it makes it sound a little cooler.
This year, to the best of my ability, I’m going to be trying to find my biological parents. I have no idea who they are, where they’re from, where they are or even if they’re still around. So mysterious are these people, in fact, that I don’t actually know what my birthday is. Whoever my parents were, they dropped me off somewhere and were long gone by the time I was found. As cool as that sounds, it makes things a little bit harder. It does remind me slightly of Harry Potter, and though I do have a scar somewhere on my forehead, I have yet to develop any magical powers, which is kind of disappointing. (On the plus side, no dark lords trying to murder me.)
This hasn’t exactly come out of nowhere, which is why it’s strange that I suddenly feel this desire to do something like this. I’ve kept the subject of my adoption about as secret as my parents did so with me — that is, not at all. I got no surprise adoption notification on my 18th birthday, nor any dramatic confrontation with my parents. They were always very open about that.
Incidentally, my parents are also fantastic people who never left me wanting, nor gave me any reason to feel as though I needed anyone else. For that reason I’ve been able to figure out that this sudden desire to find out a little more about where I came from comes down to nothing more than sheer curiosity.
And yet, it’s still a powerful desire. I’ve had plenty of time to think about why it’s important to me, because I couldn’t answer that at first. I just knew it was.
To start, I think I just want some basic answers that everyone else takes for granted. Even most adopted people I know have some knowledge of their birth parents and other details. I lack pretty much everything. Beyond practical applications like getting a medical history and figuring out if I’ve been celebrating the wrong birthday all my life, I think it would be fascinating to meet the people responsible for my existence. What I really want to know is what they look like. That’s priority number one.
Then it gets into stuff that’s a little more emotional. I find myself wondering if I’ve ever passed them on the street or made eye contact in a crowd. I wonder if the search effort has ever been reciprocated. Even if we do find each other, I wonder if we’ll get along, or if they’re still together.
But I’d like to know more about my history. Right now I have literally no information about it, which is slightly disconcerting, and has left me feeling a little empty. Despite having pretty much everything I could ever hope for from a family, that mystery continues to eat at me. I don’t think I’d feel right if I didn’t at least attempt to sate that curiosity, and there’s a chance I could find out some pretty cool stuff while I’m at it.
When it comes down to it, my pursuit is of information, not of relationships. I’m old enough now that I’m secure with my relationships and family. So if we end up not getting along at all, I think I’ll be okay with that. I just need to know that I tried.
That said, it was also important that I figure out why this was important to me to begin with. It’s a pretty major thing either way. No matter how it ends, I think I’ll be content.