Coming Back From (Almost) Death

time_by_danielkoeker-d56ir9dI suppose it was a good thing that there weren’t any working guns in the house. Had there been, I’m pretty sure that would have been it for me. They were the first things I thought of when I started to realize that I wanted to die, but I didn’t have that option. So I was forced to think of something else. It wasn’t that I wasn’t determined, but I was scared of feeling pain. It was all or nothing. If I failed, not only would I still be alive, but my life would be worse. Everything would change, everyone would try to “help.” That was the last thing I wanted.

I’ll spare all the details about the plans I finally came up with. All I knew is that as soon as I had it locked in my mind that I was going to do it, everything got better. I felt cheerful. I had no more worries. Everything was going to be just fine. I went out with friends, I had a great time and people noticed how much better I was feeling. I couldn’t tell them why. I assumed that would kill the mood. No pun intended.

Everything up until that point had just been getting worse and worse. People I thought were friends were proving in spectacular fashion that they were anything but. School was proving to be too much. My life at home wasn’t much better. I had no sanctuary from it all, no one I could talk to without it coming back to bite me and no way to escape. The only way I could get away from any of this was by sleeping. Logic dictated that permanent sleep would be permanent bliss.

And so I tried.

And failed.

It wasn’t for lack of effort on my part, but because of the fact that I had some real friends in my life that came to the rescue. People I didn’t know were that good. People who showed me that they aren’t all like the ones I was trying to escape from. I always questioned why, if I supposedly had such great friends, they never proved it. But they did. At least I’m guessing that saving a life counts as being a good friend. I’ll keep going with “yes.”

That wasn’t the end of it, of course. I had to tie up some loose ends, including some people who tried to use my suicide attempt as further ammunition against me. But I had gone through a life-changing moment. I didn’t need that nonsense anymore.

It was as close to a fresh start as I could possibly get. Gone were the poisonous relationships, gone were the fruitless attempts at things I couldn’t handle. I took on everything I did from that point with a new confidence. Things weren’t great, but I had the ability to change that now.

It’s been a few years since. I’m holding a good job. My family, though it faces some hardships, is doing well. My relationships are strong. I have reasons to live. I can’t so easily cut my ties to this world anymore. Before, I had every reason to leave. Now I have every reason to stay. I have a purpose. I have a reason to fight. Many reasons, as it were.

And everything is fine.

—–

This post is in response to the Writing Challenge: Starting Over.

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15 thoughts on “Coming Back From (Almost) Death

    1. Yeah, it’s unfortunate. But it has given me the perspective I can use to help others in the same boat. I’ve thought about joining a hotline, though I’m not sure if I could handle that.

      1. I saw this quote from Mahatma Gandi earlier this week: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I think he nailed it! Most days I am happy, and I am in therapy to address the rest;-)

  1. Wow, Kay. Very brave post, and I’m happy that I’ve been able to “meet” you. I know people who have been on the edge of suicide – one had the gun in his hand. An “outside force” stopped him, and he verbalized one of those kinds of things where you say, “if I’m not supposed to kill myself, then show me this.” He had his answer within a week, and I married him six months later. We’ve been happily married for twenty years. I’m glad you have this on your horizon, too.

    1. I certainly hope so. I know that one thing about depression is that it’s impossible to tell yourself that things get better. Your mind doesn’t accept that. But it really does. Thank you. 😀

  2. Oh wow, wouldn’t have suspected you had this in your past, you come across as really positive and level-headed.

    It’s also really well written given the personal subject matter – my writing tends to become stiff and stilted when I write about myself,it’s always harder to write well about personal subjects.

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